


Geyser

by nmaliz



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Bad Humor, Denial of Feelings, Depression, Emetophobia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Loneliness, M/M, Slow Burn, Sorry my Goro HCs are all depressing, Suicidal Thoughts, canon compliant I guess, definitely some triggers in here, shuake, takes place one week before sae's palace deadline
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-29 16:14:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16747300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nmaliz/pseuds/nmaliz
Summary: Akechi Goro knows he doesn't have much time left. There's the pressure of his plan coming to fruition plus there's only one week until the deadline for Niijima's Palace and god, of course Akira invites him to Leblanc again. He doesn't know why he accepts the invitation this time, but there's something drawing him to that boy. He's dangerous to get close to, Goro is always toeing the line when they talk. It's better to leave before he says too much...





	1. Nobody

**Author's Note:**

> Yikes I've been working on this for months and finally decided to post the chapters I have completed! No beta but I did have a couple friends look at it. Thank you to Lex ([@cosmickatsu](https://twitter.com/Cosmickatsu) on twitter) for the art that goes with chapter 4 (and for the nice comments), I'll post it when we get there.
> 
> Also the fic and all the chapters have been named after songs from Mitski's 2018 release "Be the Cowboy" and I highly recommend listening to it while reading and just in general. I stan this album as much as I stan Akechi Goro and Shuakeshu. Seriously though, at least listen to the album once and maybe look up the lyrics for the songs for the work/each chapter. 
> 
> Oh and if you want you can find me on twitter I'm @megidolaonn (degozaimasu)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a horrible night. Most nights are bad for Akechi Goro but tonight is worse. He can't keep it down and his mask is threatening to come off. Why did it have to be Akira? This should be easy. No different than anyone else along the path to his plan, so why?
> 
> (Goro's perspective, mostly his inner thoughts this chapter, I swear there'll be dialogue in the rest of the work)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This first chapter has a different tone from the rest of the work partially because I wrote it while... in a mood, but I also kept it for contrast between Goro's private (and secret) life and his time with the PT/esp. Akira It's stark for sure, but I hope that my reasoning makes sense overall. Anyway, sorry in advance!

The sound of rain was usually soothing to Akechi Goro, but tonight everything is absolutely revolting. 

The young man braces himself as he steps out into the cold Tokyo evening, doing his best to suppress the vomit coming up his esophagus. Usually he has no problem keeping his emotions buried completely, it’s necessary to maintain his public personas after all, but recently he has been finding it more difficult. The meeting he just left with _that man_ had made him feel even worse than normal, the urge to throw up almost strong enough to break his oh-so-convincing loyal dog act. But Shido was the one person he could never, ever let doubt him or all of his work for the last few years—no, his life goal ever since he was a child—would be all for naught. He was always the most careful with his word choices when he faced him because he knew he was one of the most cunning people in the nation, he was absolutely sure to never let his facial expressions falter around him, always maintaining the perfect obedient child guise. It didn’t matter that he was almost an adult, or that most people treated him like one, because he was only ever going to be a child to those who used him.

* * *

Tonight, though. Tonight, Shido had started off angry about the Phantom Thieves again and went on a rant about how powerful he was and how great his plans were and how he had and always would crush all the unnecessary people in his way. He’d continued about how all the mice of Japan should just be glad that he was going to steer them in the right direction. He had laughed about how he probably even had some ungrateful bastards out there from all the women he’d thrown around and how they’d be proud if they knew their father was about to be Prime Minister. 

Goro replayed those lines over and over in his head, sure his face had been as smiling as ever, forcing a convincing laugh as his stomach was about to explode. He’d come _so close_ to losing his façade in that moment. Closer still when that piece of shit had continued to talk about how all the people who had died in order for him to achieve his goals had been worthy sacrifices, that ultimately it was the will of whatever God that they did. Goro had even reinforced that idea for him with his own disgusting jokes, just because he was afraid of letting it slip that he was so close to the edge. And he’d been relieved when his phone went off right after, giving him an excuse to look down. Of course, Shido wouldn’t usually tolerate anyone ignoring his presence but he’d laughed himself into enough of a mood that he let it pass, and dismissed Akechi after confirming their next plans.

Goro was thankful that his phone had buzzed, even though the sight of Akira’s name on the screen made his stomach turn even more. He’d maintained his composure and left the room at an even pace once that man was done, concentrating on keeping the vomit down. Once he got to the elevator and confirmed he was alone, he leaned against the wall and pulled out his phone to read the message preview without opening the chat. 

**[11/11 FRI 21:12] Akira:** Hey sorry to message so late, but we’re gonna have a meeting on Sunday so come by Leblanc when you get off school. Get plenty of sleep tomorrow night before cause I think we’re gonna go into Mementos and grind some this last week! I think I’m gonna help out Sojiro tomorrow after morning school, though, so you should come by in the afternoon and let me make you a cup. I’ve gotten much better, I promise. You’ve gotta unwind sometimes, right? Saturday is a good day, and I think the coffee will help.

He filtered out the invitation from Akira—he always added stuff like that to his messages asking him to spend more time together but Goro always ignored it—and focused on the Phantom Thieves part. _Oh yeah, Mementos. I haven’t even looked at the Phan Site since I joined them,_ he thought, _I guess we’ve been busy with Sae’s Palace but since we have a route to the treasure room they probably want to use the free time to tackle requests before we finish this up next weekend._ It wasn’t like he needed to check the site anymore anyway. He had only used it as a tool to track them when they first came on the scene, but he had figured out who they were pretty much immediately. He wondered why he kept checking it after then, usually late at night when he couldn’t sleep. For a while he had told himself that it was necessary to make sure they weren’t getting close to his work or hitting anybody with ties to Shido, but they didn’t know anything about his bastard father. He had confirmed that when they all basically admitted to knowing nothing about politics, though they had expressed interest in wanting to deal with fucked up adults in the government. _There’s one man more fucked up than anyone else and I’m gonna be the hero to stop him, even if nobody remembers me for it. I’m sorry that you all will have to disappear as well, but unlike Shido’s disgusting “sacrifices” you are actually working towards a just cause._

Goro had semi-consciously tapped on his bookmark to the Phan Site as the elevator pinged its arrival on the first floor of the building, and he felt something gag in his throat as it came to a halt. The doors opened, and he stuffed his phone in his pocket and walked out to the street. It was raining even though the forecast had never mentioned it, but not having an umbrella tonight is what he gets for trusting that. For a minute he had forgotten that he had to vomit, but the second he thought about his plan it started to come up again. He had to force it back down to smile at the security guard as he left the building, covering his head with his briefcase as he went out to hail a taxi. Usually he would have just taken the train home, but the station was too far to walk and didn’t want to risk being seen tonight. He needed to get to his apartment as soon as possible. He was seriously going to throw up tonight—he had to. He wished he didn’t have this feeling, ever, but the past couple months had seen him excusing himself to the toilet more than usual.

* * *

The splashes from two rats scampering into a nearby drain bring Goro back to his senses as a taxi pulls up. _We’re all just rodents to him. And that goddamn Palace of his, that revolting cruise liner, it won’t be much longer until I can sink it._ He gets in the car and gives his address to the driver, thankful that he wasn’t recognized at all. He’s also thankful that the driver complied with his request to get him there as quickly as possible, even though it means he has to concentrate more on not puking as he stares out at the blurred city lights reflected on glossy streets. He tries not to think about anything aside from breathing and how much he actually likes the rain. Why did it make everything worse today when usually the sights and sound drowned out everything so nicely? 

After thanking the taxi driver with his default smile and paying him with the money he was given, Goro turns around and walks as quickly as he can towards his building. He smiles at the guard before deciding to take the stairs up because there’s an old woman waiting for the elevator. He fumbles for his keys in a rush to get inside as soon as he’s reached his landing, and once inside his apartment he locks the door and drops his briefcase before bolting to the bathroom. One hand lifts the toilet seat and the other loosens his tie and turns it around—just in time to not get anything on it—as he finally lets his body wretch into the bowl. There wasn’t much to throw up at all. Fortunately he hadn’t eaten anything besides an apple today, but the emptiness inside has to come out anyway. He hangs his head over the bowl for what feels like an hour, spitting and gagging, wishing he could just die right then—wishing he could just die every time this happens—before standing up and flushing away what feelings he had expelled. He undoes his tie completely and throws it on the ground and turns on the cold water in the sink. Goro rinses off his face, brushes his teeth, and gargles mouthwash until he can’t taste anything but the burn of the alcohol before returning to the entranceway to pick up his things. He wants to take a shower but can’t bring himself to do anything more than collapse on the couch. _I can always shower in the morning, it’s better for waking up anyway. I’ll need to look nice for school, too, so I’ll just have to put extra effort into my face._

The second he lies down, Goro realizes his phone is still in his pocket. He pulls it out to charge it, but remembers he never replied to Akira’s message. It was actually late enough at night now that Akira might find it suspicious, so he leaves it unopened so it isn’t marked read. He does, however, find himself checking his social media for the day to see how many inane comments his Instagram posts had gotten. As annoying as they are, the comments from fangirls amuse him and he replies thanking some of the more popular ones for their words. Goro spends some time editing selfies and food pictures to post later on before looking over his profile with glazed eyes. _At least I look perfect in these, if only I could really just be another popular foodie blog. That would be so much easier than all of this. People still like my food photos for the most part, even if a lot of the public had turned against me for challenging the Phantom Thieves for a while. Since I dealt with Okumura they’ve been nicer on my posts but hah, oh, the irony. I haven’t been able to eat anything sweet since I started actually working with them. I’ll just have to make up for it later. The rest of the group will probably all delete my contact after next weekend anyway._

He decides to check his following feed, but scrolling and seeing a picture of Akira that Ann had posted makes his stomach turn. Goro doesn’t understand his reactions whenever he sees him. His chest usually hurts, and he feels the need to both engage him in conversation and disappear at the same time whenever they interact in real life. It was like some dumb fight or flight response that was broken, and ever since he determined that he could not go through with his plans without killing Akira that urge to vomit came coupled with the rest of it. _He’s just another person… right?_ Goro had distanced himself from all the people whose minds he had shut down, they had all been targets. He had only ever shot cognitive people, but he didn’t see why the idea of putting a bullet in a real person would make him even hesitate. _It’s just a gun. It's necessary, there isn’t any other way to make sure I can still take down Shido. I have to do this on my own. Only with my Personas and the Metaverse is it even possible to fight him. If I led the Phantom Thieves to Shido’s Palace they would surely find out my connection to him and the very fragile rapport I’ve built with them would be lost._

_But if they did know about Shido, they wouldn’t sleep on him._ Goro realizes that he has opened the Phan Site on his phone. Most of the comments are hate mail—everyone has turned against the Phantom Thieves since Okumura had his shutdown on TV, all according to plan. Goro tries to forget how he had spent a good two hours over the toilet after seeing the broadcast. _Back to the Phantom Thieves…_ he clicks on the request channel. Despite the backlash from Okumura’s death, people are still posting requests, albeit only a handful. He hesitates for half a second before reading and realizes almost instantly that people are taking advantage of the anonymity of the site to suggest people who needed to be _killed_ by the Phantom Thieves. _Some hypocritical masses,_ he smirks, _they publicly decry the group killing someone very guilty, but in their twisted hearts they all have people they want dead. Most of these are really stupid anyway, none of them really deserve to die. It’d be easy, but the Phantom Thieves would probably say they could just change hearts. Those kids would never take any of these requests… They have a strong sense of justice if anything, and they’re not actually capable of killing anyone… they’re not that strong… yet. With more training they might be able to take _him_ on. They wouldn’t stand down if they knew what he’s done, he’d be the next in line._

His heartbeat quickens. _Maybe in another life I could’ve been accepted as one of them. No, probably not, nobody ever wants me. But... what if I didn’t have to do this, it’s not like Shido knows I’m his son, he wouldn’t have said those things earlier. Well, maybe he would anyway just to fuck with me, but at any rate I could probably disappear before anyone found me if he were to tell them what I’ve done. Even if I didn’t it wouldn’t matter, this life is over anyway. It’s not like I have any plans. I definitely deserve whatever happens, I just need to know that Shido is ruined for what he’s done. I probably won’t make it out alive anyway, why am I fantasizing about any other possibilities? Childish. I’ve already accepted my fate, these doubts need to stop. Even if they went after him I’m still guilty and I don’t deserve to live, maybe they can deal with me too._ His thumbs swipe repeatedly in four directions over his keyboard as he indulges in this little fantasy. Before he knows it, he’s hit post and stares at the request on the glowing screen in front of him, the only source of light in his perfectly clean apartment. 

**[01:07] Anonymous:** My father makes me hurt other people and I’m tired of this. I never wanted to do any of this. There is so much more I am capable of, but this is all I can do anymore. Please stop me. Take my heart. My life. Whatever is necessary, but make sure you also make him pay. He has to pay, I don’t care how anymore. I want to do this myself, but I know I’m not the only person complicit in what he’s done and there are more people connected to him who also deserve to die, myself included. There’s a trail of bodies behind him that’s constantly growing even as it’s buried. There needs to be an end to this, an antithesis to finish off his great evil. If you still consider yourselves on the side of justice, this is all you need to do. I will do what I must but you too.

It was vague. Nothing to actually tie the post to him, and definitely nothing to actually tie it to Shido. He couldn’t resist throwing in the Hegel reference, though, but there wasn’t any chance that Akira would read it and actually remember that he said before. They had talked about many different philosophies in the months since then anyway. _But what was the point of this?_ Goro thinks for a second before his heavy eyelids shut.

* * *

Akira is standing above him, he can only see his back but he has a gun pointed at his own head. Before he can pull the trigger, a bullet passes through his head from the other side and he falls backward onto Goro. There is a smoking gun in the hand of a bald man, glasses tinted with a malevolent smirk. The weight of the boy on top of him is unfamiliar and it scares him. Goro is only able to peel the bloody mask from Joker’s visage before he hears the sound of another bullet and everything goes red—

Goro jolts awake, forehead throbbing and chest soaked in sweat. He is no stranger to weird dreams, but that was just too vivid, too specific. In his mind he had seen Shido before shooting many of the people whose shadows he had killed, but nothing so physically close, and he had never been shot himself. He hadn’t actually known any of those people, and he had always left right away after making sure they disappeared. The couple times he had actually seen the aftermath in real life his stomach had turned, some of the earlier instances of him vomiting. In fact, he senses that urgency right now. He can still feel the weight of Joker’s warm, lifeless body on top of his own, though it has disappeared by the time he’s hunched over the toilet again. This time nothing comes out except some spit and the burn of stomach acid. He gives up and goes to the mirror, averting his eyes from the hollow shell reflected back at him. _How disgusting am I, far removed from my carefully constructed appearance. Nobody would be interested in me if they saw me like this, dripping sweat and spit and not a smile to be seen. Not that anybody actually likes me, they just like my looks and my TV personality. Nobody actually wants to spend time with me and get to know me… except one person. One person who’s still… alive. Why? Why why why does he keep texting me—_

_Fuck._ Goro stands up straight and rinses his mouth quickly to kill the bad taste, gagging on mouthwash, and goes back to the living room. _Joker. The Phantom Thieves._ He finds his phone on the floor, almost dead. He turns it on and sees that he had actually made a post on the Phan Site and not just dreamed it. _Shit, I really posted that. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I foolish and weak like this all of a sudden? It’s childish to want to rely on heroes. God, how long was I asleep? How long has it been up? How do you delete a post?_ He realizes from the timestamp as he deletes the post that it had been almost two hours since he made it and it’s now the absolute dead of night. The Phan Site doesn’t show data for how many people have seen a post, but since there are no votes or new comments, he tells himself that nobody could have read it. _Nobody really goes on the requests channel to read other people’s posts anyway, just to make their own. It’s probably just that one kid who runs the site who read these things. Akira rarely bothers with it since there’s just so much pointless rabble._

It’s still raining outside when Goro opens the sliding door to his balcony. He’s high up enough and it’s late enough at night that he doesn’t mind taking off his shirt and pants to feel the rain and chill for a minute. It’s freezing, and he doesn’t actually enjoy it, but he stands there nonetheless. It’s no substitute for the proper shower he’ll take when getting ready in morning before going to school and later to Leblanc… _Wait, when did I decide I was going to go to Leblanc?_ He retreats through the glass door, fully awake from the icy rain and wind. Back inside he grabs a towel and dries off the mix of rain and sweat from his body and stands in front of the refrigerator in just his underwear. There is nothing inside except a couple cans of milk coffee he had picked up the other day from a vending machine and his water pitcher. Goro prefers the sweet taste of milk and sugar in coffee, but in public he always drinks coffee black. It’s bitter and sometimes tastes burnt, but he drinks it anyway because all the adults around him compliment his maturity. 

_It's useless going back to sleep now, I might as well just stay up and work._ Coffee in hand, Goro sits at his empty dining room table with the single chair and opens his laptop. He winces at the light before opening up recent case notes to work on for a couple hours. He eventually finds himself unable to concentrate on them and pulls out his notebook with Metaverse notes. _There’s no point to revising this plan, it’s foolproof, but I guess I can just make sure I know exactly what to do. The Phantom Thieves are smart, but I have been one step ahead of them this whole time. In fact, I’m acting as one of them right now. Keep your enemies close... All I need to do is fully cooperate with them until the last moment. That’s all set, it shouldn’t be an issue._

_The real problem is Shido. His Palace is too complicated… how can I get his treasure and Shadow to materialize to take him down? Would it be better to just kill his cognition and let him have a mental shutdown like everyone else, maybe even drive him berserk with Loki? That could be fun, honestly. Or should I try the Phantom Thieves’ method? I could just defeat him—as strong as he thinks he is and whatever he knows about the Metaverse, I’m still stronger than him with my Personas—and make his real self confess everything. Ruining his public image would damage him more than just killing him. Everybody needs to know how horrible he is, I have to destroy him completely. If he incriminates me it doesn’t really matter, he won’t be coming after me anymore. I can lie in wait until he’s fallen completely and then reveal myself to him before putting a bullet in him… or something else. That might be the best option, the worst torture for him. That downfall that he has to experience firsthand when he’s at the top. Hell, maybe he’d even confess at his inauguration. That would be something on live international television. Honestly, it’s a shame the rest of Phantom Thieves won’t be around to see that. I’d prove that my justice is stronger than Akira…_

Goro puts his pen down and looks at his notebook, full of rough maps of Shido’s Palace and notes on the weaknesses of the important people related to him, as well as a notes about the Phantom Thieves. He had been sketching something… Joker’s mask? _Akira will be dead._ Goro’s pulse quickens and he feels his chest hurt. _Why does this happen when I think about him? That’s the second time tonight, this is fucking stupid. I can’t falter at all, they’ve already messed up so much of my plan. It has to work out this way._ He reaches into the false compartment of his briefcase and pulls out the gun and silencer hidden there. _There’s nothing different about using this in this world. The trigger pulls the same as in the Metaverse, though I wish I had known years ago that a believable model would work just the same._ Goro checks that the barrel is unloaded as he polishes the gun. He takes the silencer off and places it against his forehead. _Cold._ There are only a few rounds left but it’s enough for now. _If he wants more people taken care, he can give me more ammo, as long as there’s enough left for him and…_ He puts the gun to his temple. _Anyone left._ He rests his finger on the trigger for a few seconds. _Not yet. I don’t even deserve such an easy death after this. I’ll take him down but it’ll drag me down as well. My testimony is necessary. The murdering detective prince—a fraud! Life in prison if not the death penalty, but as long as he gets his…_

Goro kills his can of coffee before noticing the sunlight creeping into his apartment. _Just another all-nighter,_ he muses as he puts everything back into his briefcase and starts his morning routine. _I should’ve done my skincare last night, though, I’ve really have to do something about these bags. Such an inconvenience, but I can’t not take care of my looks._ He takes a real shower and even though he knows it’s a waste of water, stands under the showerhead for a couple minutes just letting it wash over him. _Why does this feel so much better than the rain?_ With that thought he turns the knob off and leaves the shower to finish getting ready for the day. Saturday school feels unnecessary but at least it’s only the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for putting up with my shitty writing. This is the first time I've written a serious fic aside from some really bad oneshots I did in high school like a decade ago. I seriously haven't written anything aside from school papers for that long so if it's bad I'm using that as my excuse.
> 
> Please let me know if you think this work needs additional tags or trigger/content warnings! Also I considered upping it to Mature because the suicidal talk/depression/negative self-esteem is really strong (and there's a lot more later on) so if you think I should please lmk here or on Twitter).


	2. Old Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's something about Leblanc that makes Goro feel slightly more comfortable than anywhere else. Too comfortable, to be honest. Goro does his best to stay and talk to Akira as much as possible despite his brain telling him he should leave before his mask slips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the longest conversation Goro has had at Leblanc with Akira? Obv this is outside anime canon bc of those chess games with Ren. I went more with the game canon of Goro sitting there until you talk to him once or twice and then him suddenly leaving like he hadn't been drinking coffee for four hours waiting for you to come home.
> 
> Also sorry for my obnoxious opinions on coffee. As your local barista and coffee snob myself I just have a lot of thoughts on coffee that nobody really cares about.

The familiar chime of Leblanc’s door rings through Goro’s ears and brings him back to reality. He had left school in a hurry and hopped on the first train over without giving it a second thought. _Why am I actually here? My body just brought itself here? And I finally have a Saturday afternoon off, this is dumb. It’s because I read that text from Akira._

“Welco—Oh, Akechi, it’s you. It’s been a while since you’ve come alone.” _I’m not sure if he considers me a Phantom Thief or a customer anymore. I still come by sometimes, but not as regularly. I certainly won’t be able to return after this week…_

Goro smiles at the café’s master, “Good day, Sojiro. My apologies, I know I haven’t been by often aside from meeting with the group. I had some free time today and figured I should get a decent cup of coffee. Lately I’ve only had time for vending machines.” It was partly true, he had been drinking mostly canned coffee, but it wasn’t like he couldn’t get anything else.

“Of course, you’re always welcome to get coffee here. We actually respect beans unlike whatever you’ve been drinking,” Sojiro smirks. “Akira will be back soon, he’s out doing some shopping with Futaba. She’s actually been asking to do the groceries lately, which is great because it’s getting her out more, but I think it’s just so she can pick out her favorite instant noodles.” _Ah, Akira._ Goro’s heart jumps at the mention of his name.

“Hah, that does sound like her. Well, no matter, your coffee is much better than Akira’s by a longshot, though I will say he has improved significantly through your tutelage. I’ll just take my usual spot and the house blend if you don’t mind. I’m sure Akira will want to experiment later so I’d rather have at least one _good_ cup of coffee today,” he cocks his head to the side and puts on a false pained smile, “Plus, I’m starting to get a headache since I haven’t had any today.” _I just haven’t had enough, honestly. What I drank earlier is already wearing off and my head_ is _killing me. So is everything else in my body, though… maybe I should’ve tried to eat?_

“Yeah, I know that feeling, I can tell you need a good cup so just sit down,” Sojiro chuckles. He’s familiar and nice enough, but Goro has seen Sojiro’s gruffer side many times too. He remembers the first time he walked into Leblanc to a surprised Akira and Sojiro—his face was on the TV at the time. _Why did that memory return just now?_

“Thank you, I’ll do just that.” Goro seats himself at the café bar and pulls a book off the shelf. _Wise Men’s Words_ , _hah, when did he buy this? He can’t have remembered that I mentioned Hegel that one time and decided to look into it? I’m overthinking this, maybe he had to write a paper for school. He doesn’t think that much of my words, not like I do his... but that’s just natural for the detective who’s been investigating him… as well as working to pin everything on him. Still, what an uncharacteristic book for him..._

“Interesting book choice there,” Sojiro muses as he grinds beans for a pour over, “Akira’s been buying more books lately and reading them at night sometimes, though I don’t know why the topics are all over the place. It’s a great conversation starter for customers, though. I’ve had a couple pick them up and ask me if I’ve read them, but I haven’t aside from the novels that were there originally. There was a guy in here telling me about that philosophy one yesterday, though I think he was just spouting quotes to sound smart. He can be pretentious but he’s a good guy who’s a regular so I just deal with it. People do always say philosophy goes well with coffee, right? ‘Coffee shop philosophers’ and whatnot, though I personally prefer reading and discussing literature.” _Hah, I don’t know any other reason people discuss philosophy except to sound smart and impress others, it’s been useful for me._

“Hmm… indeed—” Goro works on formulating a reply, but he’s interrupted by the door opening and the lively sound of Akira and Futaba entering the establishment, groceries and cat in tow. Morgana hops up on the stool next to him and lies down, complaining that he’s tired and hungry. _I still don’t get this cat, why does he look so different in the Metaverse? How can he still talk in real life? I know it’s because I’ve heard his voice in the Metaverse but a talking cat with a Persona still doesn’t add up. Then again, Personas themselves aren’t exactly natural. What even is he—a monster? A god? Maybe that’s why he’s so suspicious of me._

“We’re home! And look, Sojiro, I found a new brand of curry udon! I know they’re not going to taste as great as your curry but I wish sometimes you’d make it with instant noodles instead of rice, it’d totally be a hit on the menu!” Futaba runs up to the bar to show off her haul. “Oh hey, Akechi, didn’t expect you to show up today!” _I’m sure she wouldn’t smile around me if she knew what I did to her mother_ . _Sojiro too, he’d probably throw that boiling water in my face._ Goro turns to Futaba and greets her with a chuckle.

“I didn’t expect to be here either, it seems this was just what fate had in store for me today.” He turns towards the door and forces himself to face the boy standing there. “Hello, Akira, how are you?” His stomach tightens. _Why does my stomach feel weird the second I see him? Seriously, why the hell did I come here? I should just leave before I say anything that might compromise myself in front of him, but I guess it’s too late. I’ll bear with it._

Akira adjusts his glasses and picks up the bags that Futaba had dropped on the floor in her excitement. “I’m doing fine… just… can’t carry all of this _by myself_ .” He stares at Futaba until she walks back over to help him before coming up to the counter next to Goro. “How are you, though? You don’t look like you’ve slept.” Bingo. _Why the hell can he always see right through me?_

“Oh, I slept just fine!” Goro forces the lie through his impeccable smile. “I just have a mild caffeine addiction, so I’m not totally awake until I get some coffee. I’m waiting on Sojiro to bring me back to life and kill this headache.”

“Hmm, yeah, I get that too sometimes,” Akira replies, but Goro senses that he doesn’t quite believe him. His face is usually hard to read but Goro has become hypersensitive to changes in the leader of the Phantom Thieves, especially since he’s been seeing him more often and fighting next to him. _It’s just because we’re working together, it’s important in a fight. I’ve got to be more aware of my teammates—my rivals. It’s only temporary, there’s no reason I should be feeling any more attached. Once we’ve completed this Palace, I’ll be rid of them as my obstacles. Why do I need to tell myself this every day, though?_ “Anyway,” Akira continues, “did you get my text last night? I know I sent it a bit late but I had a hard time sleeping because _someone_ woke me up even after telling me to go to sleep early.”

Everyone turns to look at Morgana, who’s just grooming himself. “What? Me? How is it _my_ fault you wake up when I want to get off the bed? You do know cats don’t typically sleep through the whole night, right?” _Did he just say he’s a cat?_  
  
“I thought you weren’t a cat, huh,” Akira retorts.

“Well-Uh-No, I’m not a cat, but this form is that of a cat so of course I have cat-like tendencies. Plus I’m cute and fluffy so you can’t get mad at me. Right, Futaba? Akechi? Sojiroooooooo?” _Why would he ask me? Sure… cats are… cute. I’ve never really cared but sure?_

Sojiro looks at Akira, “Why is he meowing so much and staring at me? What did you do to set him off? Also will you please take him upstairs, we are open right now even if Akechi here is our only customer. If anyone else walks in and sees a cat at the bar they’re going to walk right out.” _If they walk in any place that’s not a cat café and see a bunch of people talking to a cat they’d probably start rumors too._

“I think anyone would be excited to see my beautiful body, Sojiro, and if you made this a cat café you’d probably get more customers. Just a suggestion.” _He has a point, but having nicer dessert would be a better draw for this café, not just the cheap cake set. Coffee and something pretty would make this place worth sharing as an Instagram post. Curry is good but it doesn’t photograph. But wait, no, if I did that people would come here more. It would lose its empty charm. Plus, Sojiro’s going to have a lot to deal with very soon. He’s been nice to me, I couldn’t do anything more to hurt him. … Why does that matter to me?_

But Morgana’s words are only meows to Sojiro as Futaba scoops him up and takes him upstairs. “Mona and I are gonna play some video games, okay Akira? You guys can put away the groceries, I’m _beat_ from shopping. Too… many… people…”

“But we were only there for half an hour, and at the tiny neighborhood market at that? I thought you’d have more stamina than that by now,” Akira jests.

“Meh, don’t waste your SP regen items on me! I don’t need them with my Oracle powers! I’ll be fine, so you can stay down here and talk to Akechi about whatever. I don’t really care. We have a meeting tomorrow anyway, so just let us know if you guys come up with anything good. Oh, and Akechi I just want to say I’m glad you’re not a NPC anymore. Having you as a party member has been pretty fun, you know. I love JRPGs with more playable character options! Plus, you’ve got some useful moves.” _What is she saying…?_

“Thank you? But… NPC? JRPGs? That’s game stuff, right? I still don’t know much about video games.” _I’ve never had time to mess with any of that childish stuff._

“I’ll show you sometime, I think you could really get into the strategy of it. Anyway, laterz. Call me if there’s food!” Futaba’s voice disappears up the stairs to the attic. _Maybe in another universe you could’ve showed me, but I’m afraid that won’t happen now._

“You really should come over more often, you know,” Akira catches Goro’s attention. “Despite her age and lack of people skills, Futaba’s really smart. You know she lost her mom, too.” Goro feels something come up his throat but suppresses it. _Yes. I know that all too well. And I can’t believe I told you about my own mother._ “I think you two would get along better if you did play games. Plus, she can explain any internet stuff you don’t get… Deal with your online trolls, though I guess public opinion has swayed back to your favor since Okumura. It’s ironic, isn’t it? People are hating the Phantom Thieves now and since you haven’t changed your public viewpoint against us they’re supporting you again… but you’re actually supporting us. I love it, what a great twist.”

Goro feels his pulse quicken at that last sentence. _You love that I’m working with you? Haven’t you been doubtful of me this whole time, though? And why are you pushing me so hard to hang out with the other Phantom Thieves? Last time you were encouraging me to go out to a cake buffet with Ann. Why are you trying to get so close to me? I have to kill you. Is this what this feeling is? Please, stop, I’m going to throw up._ He feels a hint of a gag. As much as he probably enjoys talking to Akira, this has happened pretty much any time they’ve had any prolonged one-on-one conversation—yet he can never keep himself away from Akira’s magnetism. _Why does talking to you feel so natural yet so unnerving? What is it about_ you _specifically, Akira, that makes me keep talking to you? Is it really just because we are fated to be rivals in this game?_

“It is quite a twist, I’ll admit, but I’m still charging you for the coffee,” Sojiro says as he places the cup down in front of Goro. “Coffee is only free on days you have meetings—and not the expensive stuff. I do have a business to run here in spite of you all constantly loitering. Actually, I have some errands to run today, but make sure you still pay Akira.” Sojiro takes off his apron and walks to the front door, putting on his fedora. “I’ll be leaving now. Akira, I trust you to watch the café like you said. Make sure Futaba at least washes the dishes or something, she said she wanted to help out and of course she’s disappeared. Anyway, I’ll see you guys tonight. Thanks.” The door chimes on his way out.

“Thank you very much, Sojiro,” Goro calls after him. It’s sincere gratitude—he’s actually thankful for Sojiro’s coffee. _It’s one of the few consistently good things this year, I really am going to miss this place once it’s all over. I won’t be able to come back here anymore. I wonder if they serve coffee in hell…_ And then it hits them that he and Akira all alone in Leblanc aside from the sounds of the TV upstairs, but Futaba and Morgana are in their own world. Suddenly he’s more aware of himself and the bespectacled barista standing across the counter from him.

Large black frames fall down the other boy’s nose as he leans on his elbows, “So, you did get my text, didn’t you? Or is it really just ‘fate’ that you’re here again? You always say stuff like that, like how funny it is to run into me at Shibuya on the way to school or even after school. After the first time I think you knew that I transferred there to get to school.” _Why are you going after me all of a sudden? Of course I knew but it’s not like I would purposefully_ look _for you on the platform, or wait in the Teikyu building hoping to talk to you, I just like the bread specials from that bakery._ “And then you keep coming _here_ . I know the coffee is good, but it’s not like Sojiro makes the best coffee in Tokyo. I see you’re always going to cute cafés and fancy restaurants in your Instagram posts.” _Oh yeah, you follow my account too. All of us followed each other during that first meeting together._ “I have to admit I’m a little jealous, though. I don’t know how you have the time to find all those places. I wish you’d take me sometime.” Akira flashes a smirk. _Are you mocking me?_

“I’m sure you know maintaining good social media rapport is important for a TV personality like myself. I need to fit stuff like that into my schedule regularly despite being busy. Sometimes it’s for work, but at any rate I have to keep up that appearance.” _… Though I don’t actually care about most of that food, everyone just wants to talk about it._ “Just like I have to maintain that I’m against the Phantom Thieves even when I’m working with you.”

Akira blinks. “But you’re not just working _with_ us. You are one of us. You’re a comrade and a Phantom Thief.” Goro feels his chest tighten. _What do you mean, one of you? I’m not exactly welcome in this group. I know everyone else despises me regardless of what they say._ “And I do get that you’ve got a media appearance to maintain, but you know you don’t have to do that when you’re around us. I’d like to think we’re closer than that.” _Really, what are you saying? Aren’t we just using each other for mutual benefit? Is this why you keep trying to get me to hang out with you? Do you seriously not suspect me at all? Everyone else is wary to trust me._

Goro puts on his sweetest smile and lets out a little laugh, “Sure, we’re teammates after all. And while it makes me happy to hear that you consider me a Phantom Thief, I’m hurt you think I’m not genuine with you.” _So you do see right through me. No wonder I feel weird. It’s too easy for my mask to slip in front of you._ “Also, if you really want to go out to eat that badly, I don’t mind.” _I doubt I’d actually be able to eat anything in front of you, though. All I can do is sip this coffee right now and I barely have the stomach for that._

“Are you sure you’re not still hiding yourself from us?” Akira sets a kettle to boil and muses over the wall of beans, selecting a jar of light brown beans. “And I’m going to take you up on that offer, I won’t forget.” He gets out the scale and weighs the perfect amount for one cup, then another. Goro’s chest continues to tighten as he watches the other boy grind the coffee. He can’t help but stare at his hands as he picks out some equipment from the shelf. As much as Goro enjoys drinking coffee, he actually knows very little about how it’s made and always enjoys watching Akira’s methods. _Fold the filter, set it in the top section, put a carafe underneath. Slowly pour hot water into the empty filter?_

Akira notices Goro staring at him and seems to read his mind, “There are two points to rinsing the filter first with hot water. It gets any paper taste out of the way and it warms up both the dripper and the carafe. Since we use glass for both, we want to reduce the chance of cracks. I’m sure you know, but adding boiling water to cold or even room temperature glass can make it _crack_ —it can’t handle the shock.” Goro sits up straight in his stool and pulls his coffee cup up to his lips to cover his mouth. He’s lost his smile and he hopes Akira hasn’t noticed as he nods in understanding. _Why did you put so much emphasis on the word ‘crack’?_

There’s a whistle from the stove and both Akira and Goro turn their attention towards the boiling kettle. Goro takes a second to breathe when Akira turns around to take the water off the heat and stick a thermometer in it. _Why am I still so tense? Usually I would have left by now, we’ve talked enough. I didn’t even request a second cup of coffee when this one is only half finished, but you’re making me one anyway._

Again, as if he has a sixth sense, Akira replies to Goro’s inner thoughts, “I know you didn’t ask for another cup but I wanted to make one for myself and figured I’d let you taste my favorite new coffee. It’s a light roast that has a more dynamic flavor profile than most house blends, in my opinion. I think you might prefer the berry, floral taste of this blend. It’s got a lot more to it than just being a pretty light color. The coffee really changes a lot from the initial sip. There’s a little bite with the acidity, but it’s very pleasant. This one’s also powerful in a way you’d never expect from something that tastes so delicate.”

About a minute after the kettle boils, Akira begins his pour while still rambling. “So many people, adults especially, think it’s better to drink dark roasts like they have to prove to the world they can stomach acrid black coffee. I suppose they’re good if done right for chocolate or nutty notes, but they’re pretty overrated and honestly nowhere near as good as even a well-rounded medium roast. I’ve found that a complex light coffee makes for a perfect cup that doesn’t need any sugar or creamer to mask bad flavors.”

Akira’s smile seems genuine—soft, even—and he’s happy to explain coffee facts to Goro, something he undoubtedly picked up from Sojiro. _I didn’t even ask for these explanations, and I’m probably overthinking your words. It’s true that adults like to prove they can drink coffee black, I’ve seen that a lot with people in power. They always make such dumb faces trying to hide their disgust. Even I’ve had to learn to drink it when it was bad, but I assumed that was just normal until I started coming here._ He’s distracted by a chuckle as Akira looks up at him, “Also, isn’t it funny that these beans are nearly the same shade as your hair?”

Caught completely off guard, Goro breaks eye contact with Akira as his heart jumps. _What the_ hell _are you saying? You’re trying to make me flustered on purpose, trying to get me to drop my guard and find a weakness._ He knows that Akira saw him blush, and it makes the uneasy feeling in his stomach return. In fact, when had it left? He had noticed that all-too-familiar feeling when Akira first walked in, and his chest had been tight for much of the current conversation, but why all of sudden did he look towards the bathroom?

Goro coughs in an attempt to conceal the fact that he’s having difficulty staying composed. He takes a second to remember his polite-but-still-shocked smile, hoping his lips forcing his cheeks upward would make it seem natural that he was blushing. “Do you have any other new—” he starts, but the boy in the apron is already engrossed in his work. _I don’t know everything about making coffee, but I do know that pouring the water is very important. Something about a steady motion and proper timing for extraction, I’ve heard Sojiro mention it to Akira before when he was first learning. But this might be a good time to get up._ He excuses himself to the restroom and Akira mumbles an acknowledgement.

After he locks the door to the restroom, Goro lets out the breath he had been holding in. _What is going on with me today? Is it because of that dream last night?_ He recalls the feeling of Joker’s corpse on top of him, the warm blood on his hand, and shudders. “I have to do this,” he says to himself in the mirror, “It’s fate… right?” The words sound less sure than usual and he gags. _There’s that feeling again, would he notice if I’m gone too long? The coffee takes less than three minutes to make, I can probably spend a couple more in here if I just lie._ He hunches over the toilet and spits up a little bit of coffee and stomach acid, but like last night there isn’t anything else. His throat burns and there's nothing to kill the bad taste in is mouth aside from the tap water. He figures he might as well use the toilet properly while there, flushes, and washes his hands. _My face looks less than perfect, shit. He might notice._ He wipes the sweat off with a towel and tries out a couple smiles before walking out the door.

“Are you alright, Akechi?” Goro’s heart skips a beat and he stops in his tracks. Akira is standing outside the restroom door, two hot cups of coffee at the booth behind him. “Or, uh, Goro. Sorry, I just realized that we haven’t been using your first name even though you’re in our group now.” Goro’s careful smile fails to belie his shock at both Akira being right so close to him as well as being called by his given name. For a second, Goro sees Akira’s forehead covered in blood. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you but I heard you coughing up something in there. Did you have a bad breakfast? You looked like your stomach hurt earlier too, I should’ve said something.” _How the hell did you even notice that? I’ve been smiling this whole time, careful to avoid looking pained. But damn if you haven’t picked up on every time I’ve even slipped. You look at me too closely, like you’re the detective trying to figure_ me _out and it hasn’t been the other way around._

“Something like that, yeah,” Goro fails to come up with a better excuse. “What I had this morning didn’t agree with me. I think it’s best that I go home.” He averts his eyes and walks past the fresh cups of coffee and back over to the counter to collect his things. _It smells good but I actually can’t…  I wouldn’t even be able to force myself._

“Oh, yeah, I suppose coffee would be really bad to have on an empty stomach. Too much acid on acid and all? It’s a shame, though. I think you would’ve really liked this blend, but I can always make it for you next time you come see me. The beans do really remind me of you—your hair color but also… I don’t know, maybe your personality, if that makes sense?” Akira laughs, probably at how stupid he sounds, but Goro is extremely thankful that he’s facing the other direction so he doesn’t see his face turn red. _Again? It must be because I didn’t respond the first time, but what exactly am I supposed to say to that? Is it… a compliment? Or just an observation? You said it was your favorite coffee…_

He’s still thinking of a reply when he feels a hand on his shoulder and jumps in genuine surprise. Akira had managed to get right behind him without Goro noticing. “You know, you always leave soon after I talk to you. I know you’re not feeling well right now but are you sure you don’t want to stay? I can get you some food and tea. Leblanc might be a café but we have things besides coffee. I can make some ginger tea to soothe your stomach. You really should have something in you, at least some crackers or broth. You don’t look like you’ve been eating and if you’re throwing up you really shouldn’t be having coffee. I think you know that, though.” _I do know that, but I need coffee. I also know that if I stay here any longer I won’t be able to keep this up. Please let me go home, Akira. Please._

“I appreciate the offer but I think I should get home and lie down. I have some leftover rice at home that I can turn into porridge.” Goro can’t remember the last time he even had rice at home, but if he stopped at a convenience store he could buy some. “And I’m sorry that I always have to leave when we talk, I’m very busy, you know. Really, it’s always such bad timing.” _That was blatantly untrue but what else can I say? Talking to you makes my stomach feel weird and sometimes when you look at me my chest hurts?_ “You stopped talking to me after a while, though.”

“That’s because you always went home if I did, but whenever I left you alone you’d stay here…  for hours, even. I guess I preferred it that way, though I don’t understand why you would make excuses to leave. You are welcome here and Sojiro has gotten used to you as a regular. We’d both be both glad if you could be your true self here… if you were really comfortable like you’ve said before.” _Comfortable? Is that why I’ve let my mask falter? I am at ease sometimes here, but other times—when I’m talking to you so much—I feel extremely tense. I’m even more aware of myself and my words but I still let things slip. As I thought, it really is too dangerous to be near you any more than necessary. I’m too weak._

“Of course I’m myself here. Thank you for your company and the coffee today, Akira, don’t let me forget to pay,” Goro says as he puts his coat on and pulls out his wallet, desperate to get out the door but not so much that he’d ignore proper etiquette or his promise to Sojiro. “I suppose I’ll see you tomorrow for the Phantom Thieves meeting.” _I don’t want to, though. I really wish I didn’t have to see you again until we go back into the Palace and finish this. I just want to get it over with and you’re making it more difficult for me. Stop telling me I’m welcome when I know I’m not–_

* * *

Akechi stumbles and falls, his body limp. Akira rushes up and catches him before he hits the floor, but the older boy has already fainted. “Liar,” Akira says as he lifts him onto his back. “You’re always lying to me and everyone else with your smiles, pretending you’re okay when you’re far from it—not that we don’t all do that. Still, it’s obvious you haven’t eaten anything substantial and you’ve only had coffee today. I don’t know how you’ve even been able to stand all this time. No food, and probably no sleep either. I know you don’t have Morgana to tell you go to to bed, but you should at least know better than to stay up all night. Caffeine can’t make up for that.”

“What was that sound?” Futaba is standing on the landing, peering at the scene. “He fainted? Quick, use Samerecarm! Or… was it your fault? Did you get him with a critical? Are we just going to stop him here instead of going through with our plan? I put so much work into that phone bug, too, but if it means we don’t have to fake your death I’m fine with that!”

“No, it’s not that. We’re going through with the plan still. He did actually faint, though. I don’t think he’s been eating or sleeping well lately. Maybe it’s because of what’s going to happen soon… at least I hope. I think he feels a lot of guilt subconsciously and it’s manifesting by making him feel nauseated.” Akira beckons Futaba over and they manage to move Akechi. “Plus, you know we can’t summon Personas in the real world. Please stop joking around and help me carry him upstairs. I’ll take care of him, so you and Morgana can go back to the house after.”

“Are you suuuuure? I know you _like_ him, but he _is_ going to try to kill you very soon. I know you also think he can be saved if we get close to him, but he’s still planning on going through with it. I was just going through his phone data after I got bored of playing your old games. He really was up all night like you said. I wish I had bugged his laptop too! I also—ugh, for such a lanky guy he’s hard to carry, can’t you get someone stronger than me—saw that he had gone on the Phan Site last night and made a post. He deleted it but of course I was able to recover the text. I’ll show it to you once we—ah, he’s slipping—get him to your bed.”

“I wonder how many times he’s been on there. For a guy who has carefully crafted his outward personality and lies through his teeth constantly, he has a childish side. I mean, hell, he uses sci-fi toys in the Metaverse. Honestly, I’m a bit jealous I didn’t think of using impossible weapons like that. And he really does have a strong sense of justice, despite what he’s done. I don’t think he’s killing people for himself. There’s nothing for him to gain from their deaths. Hell, I still don’t get why he has to kill me. I mean, sure, overall we’re basically rivals—‘Thesis and Antithesis’ like he said—but don’t we actually have similar goals? Ah—Morgana, get up so we can lay this detective on the bed! Make sure he’s on the pillow. Give me the blanket.”

“Akechi isn’t acting for himself. I mean, it’s probably gotta benefit him at some level, but based on his Phan Site request there’s someone else pulling the strings,” Morgana chimes in, probably having read Akechi’s phone as well. “He mentioned his father, though I thought he grew up in foster care?”  
  
“He’s only really mentioned his mother… I’ll see what I can figure out on my own, though. Actually, Futaba can you just text the request to me?” Akira says, digging through his bag to see if he has anything to help the fainted boy on his bed. “I want some time alone to think, sorry. Thank you for helping me, though. And please flip the open sign to ‘closed’ on the way out, we can explain to Sojiro later.”  
  
“Sure, if that’s what you want,” Futaba agrees, albeit somewhat suspiciously, as she packs up her laptop. “Come on, Mona, I think there’s some fried fish in the fridge at home. And I want to eat my new cup noodles!” Her orange hair disappears down the stairs along with Morgana’s white-tipped tail and Akira is alone in his room with his unconscious foil.

He turns towards the bed, “Now, what am I going to do with you? I have this old melon pan… it’s probably still good? But I’m not exactly sure how I’m supposed to feed it to you when you’re not even awake. Maybe it’s best you just sleep. You can always eat later, I’ve got some moon dango you can probably stomach.” Akira pops in a DVD and sits on the edge of the bed before pulling out his phone to look at the message he just got from Futaba. “Oh, so this is your request. It sounds really desperate, I wonder what happened last night. I know you’re definitely not okay. It really doesn’t sound anything like your normal self, but I guess your ‘normal’ is painted anyway. I wish you’d show me what’s beneath that mask.”

He looks over his shoulder at the boy on his bed, peaceful in his sleep with even breathing. “This is the most vulnerable you’ve ever been in front of another person, isn’t it? You’re probably afraid to sleep, but I know you have sleep sometime. Is it nightmares? And you need to eat. I don’t know if you even realize what your body is going through when you force yourself to do things you don’t really want to. Just how long have you been doing this? Forced to kill, and blaming yourself for it. I can read you better than you would like, even though you’ve been extra careful around me. Maybe it’s your overconfidence that has you thinking nobody notices that your smiles are forced, or that you’re revolted by yourself at times. It’s also probably why you didn’t even notice your own mistake with the pancakes—I think that was you genuinely being excited about dessert, as silly as it sounds. For a smart guy you sure are dumb sometimes.” Akira leans forward and brushes Akechi’s hair, “You really are like my favorite coffee. People just assume it’s gonna be lacking in depth since it’s so light, but it’s so worth it to savor and enjoy the complexity.” He leans in over the sleeping boy’s face, staring at his peaceful face. “I wish I could get you to understand…”

Akira stands up, alarmed by his own actions. “Hah, why am I only this forward when you’re not even awake? If you thought you were the only one nervous whenever we talked, you were wrong. I’ll leave you in peace, though. Might as well do something productive in the meantime. Maybe I can get more things done without Morgana telling me to pace myself.” He moves to his desk to get started on crafting infiltration tools.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter was a lot of banter and there's a really stark contrast between the first one and this... almost like... night and day. And I realized it gets a lot different in the next chapter too but that's a lot to do with the plot so......
> 
> Thank you again for reading! Please let me know what you think so far here or on Twitter.


	3. A Pearl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goro let down his guard around Akira and now all he can feel is regret and guilt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry?

Goro’s eyes open to a dark wall. _When did I get here? I was leaving Leblanc and…_ He can’t remember anything, not even a dream. _Is this… the attic?_ He shifts to his back and his eyes wander from the dark window across the rafters, noticing the star stickers glowing in the ceiling. _I don’t remember those ever being here, but I guess I’ve only ever been up here during the daytime for meetings._ The brightness of the TV draws his eye, but not before he notices Akira’s back above him. Or rather, on the edge of the bed next to him, but the sight is so similar to his nightmare the previous night that Goro shudders. He breathes in sharply as he clutches his chest, not wanting to remember that body falling backwards onto him.

Hearing this sound, Akira turns off the television and turns around. “You’re awake.” Goro grumbles in agreement, unable to form any words. “You passed out trying to leave. Futaba helped me carry you up here but I figured it would be best for you to actually get some sleep. I’ve got some food for you too if you want.” Goro tries to sit up, but Akira leans over and pulls the blanket back over him. “You can just stay there for a bit, your body is too weak to really do anything. I’m amazed you even got yourself here this morning like that. And don’t worry, I’ve got your gloves and shoes and jacket and briefcase on the table over there. But really, why did you push yourself like this? As your leader, I’m worried about your ability to perform if you don’t have energy.” _Ah, there it is, he only cares about me as a tool–_ “And as your _friend_ and confidant, I’m honestly concerned about you when you don’t eat or sleep properly. As much as you probably don’t want me to, I do care about your well-being. Don’t scare me like that.”

Goro, unable to do much more, forces a smile. _Why would you worry about me so much? And as your friend? You’ve really been forcing that on me this whole time and you believe it? Sure, we’re definitely tied together by some twisted fate, but I don’t know that I can even_ have _friends._

“Ah, there it is. Your best armor. Your smile.” Akira reaches for Goro’s hand under the blanket. Goro’s first instinct is to recoil, but he can’t. Or at the very least, he doesn’t even try. His heart is about to leap out of his chest. _Ah, you’re warm. Your body is warm. Mine must be so cold._ “You don’t have to force yourself to smile for me.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Goro says, smile widening. _I’m not doing this for you. I’m doing this myself. I can’t have anyone see me any other way or they’d think less of me. I’m using you and you’re using me._ “I’m not forcing this smile. Thank you for caring about me, Leader.”

Akira chuckles, “Sure… and you don’t have to call me Leader outside of the Metaverse.” He lies on his back on the bed next to Goro, whose heart is beating so hard he’s sure it’s audible. “I’d like to think we’re more on even ground in reality. We’re all equals in the group, even if the others rely on me to make decisions. I can’t do this alone, and I wouldn’t want to. I mean, all of us Phantom Thieves have been hurt and used by shitty adults. We’re all justified in wanting to get revenge, that’s why we have Personas, isn’t it? ‘Spirit of Rebellion’ or whatever, we all have the same power for similar reasons.” _What are you getting at? You don’t know anything about my life. You haven’t even seen my true power, my first Persona._ “I know you probably won’t ever tell us how you _really_ got your Persona, but the fact that you have one means you _are_ just like the rest of us. You said it was the Black Mask that triggered your awakening but it was something else, wasn’t it? Someone in your past wronged you—or maybe they’re even still around? But someone did terrible things to you that made you want to fight back. You mentioned a person who drives your sense of justice. And I know you said it’s just a dumb grudge, but even if it’s for personal reasons you’re still a victim and have every right to fight with us.”

Goro feels his whole body tense. _You aren’t supposed to get into that. You don’t know the whole truth. You wouldn’t understand and you wouldn’t be next to me like this if you did. Then again, you aren’t an idiot. Of course something more than that lame story caused me to get a Persona…  but I was special. It was only me then, without friends. It’s all to destroy one man, I’m not here to save society, I’m not capable of that… or even worth that, I’m not a_ good _person._ He turns on his right side so he’s facing the wall, unable to face Akira like this. “We all have this power for a reason. Sure, some people have been less than nice to me, but nothing _that_ terrible has happened. I believe there are unjust things in the world that I need to fix for myself. My goals are my own. It’s stupid and selfish, unlike you guys.” It’s a crappy lie downplaying the truth, and far from a sufficient answer, but Goro is afraid to say more without revealing too much.

He feels Akira shift in the bed. It’s too small for two people to lie side-by-side with any personal space, and for the first time Goro is all too aware of this fact. He now notices Akira’s breath on his neck, his hand very close to his back. _I can’t stay here. Why am I even here, in your bed, when I’m this close to killing you. Just one more week…_ The pounding in his ears is too loud and Goro feels his chest on fire. _I don’t want this. I never asked for this. You’re just making it harder for me. This isn’t what that English phase means by “keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” This is_ too _close. I have to kill you, you know. I wish I didn’t have to but I have no options. You would hate me if you knew. You’d kill me too–_

“Are you ok?” Akira is above him, leaning on one arm to look at Goro’s face. “You stopped breathing for a few seconds.” Goro realizes he has, indeed, been holding his breath. He’s also holding in that ache in his stomach that wants to escape. He brings his hands up to cover his mouth, careful to only let air out. Akira’s left hand touches Goro’s face, brushing his hair out of his eyes. Goro holds his breath again. “Please breathe,” Akira whispers in a low voice. “I can’t have you dying in my bed.”

Goro can’t help but let his breath go as he scoffs at the irony. _You don’t want me to die here in such a warm place, but you’re going to be dead soon in a cold room._ He inhales deeply and lets out a long exhale to assure Akira that he is, in fact, still alive. “Of course not, that would be such an inconvenience–” He turns his head to face Akira but only too late does he remember just how close in proximity they are. All Goro can see are Akira’s big eyes staring right into his soul, paralyzing him. _Close. Too close. Way too close. What do I–_

 _Warm._ Akira’s lips are wam. _Soft._ Akira is soft. _Weird._ It feels unlike anything else. Goro doesn’t like other people touching him but the taste of coffee on Akira’s lips draws him in. _What is this feeling? Kissing is actually this pleasant? I want more._ Goro kisses Akira back, harder. _I want this. I’ve wanted this. Is this what that feeling was?_ Akira cups Goro’s cheek with his hand as he pulls back. _No, don’t stop. Give me more._ “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to take advantage of your vulnerability.”

“I’m quite alright,” Goro assures him. “I can handle myself.” _Except when you do that._ “But why did you do that?” _And why did you stop? It felt good but you’re just toying with me._

“It was on impulse,” Akira says as he lies back down. “I couldn’t help myself being that close. I’m sorry, I should’ve asked you if it was okay, but I thought you might push me away.” _I would have if I had been able. Instead I let it happen and now… I want it again. I shouldn’t, though. None of this should be happening. I’m weak. I’ve made my decision but I can’t even keep myself away from you._ Goro turns back to face the wall, not wanting Akira to see his face as it breaks. _I really could die right now._

A tear falls onto the sheets. Goro covers his face with his hands. _Crying? I really am weak. I can’t be having doubts. This isn’t supposed to be happening. You kissed me. I’m still going to kill you. Is this even allowed? Kissing your enemy? You’re my enemy. You’re in the way of my goals and I have to go through with this. Not matter what, I have to do this. I can’t get close to you. You’re going to die and so am I. Maybe it’s okay then—_

“I’m not your enemy, you know,” Akira pulls on Goro’s shoulder so he’s lying on his back. “I know you doubt me because we’ve been against each other but I believe we are the same. We share a goal, don’t we? I think we’ve had the same goal from the start, just different methods. We both want the people who have wronged us to pay. It doesn’t matter if they’re different, or if you don’t care about the rest of what the Phantom Thieves have been trying to do.” He moves Goro’s hands away from his face so he can wipe his tears. “It’s alright to cry, I’m really sorry I did this to you. I’ve just wanted to talk to you for so long. I wanted to be closer but you always left before I could do anything. Not like this, just that I thought maybe I kept saying the wrong things. But I care about you and I need you to know that. You aren’t alone.”

 _That’s easy for you to say. You have all these friends. You have all these people close to you. I could never have any of this. Nobody would like me if I didn’t make myself into someone likeable._ “Fame isn’t the same as friendship, but I’m fine.” Goro averts his eyes from Akira, looking out the window into the starless night. “You’ve got your friends and that’s good for you. We’re working together now, but I’m still a detective and you’re a thief. This doesn’t end with us both winning. I do best alone, anyway. This is just because, as you said, we share a goal. You will have to disband after this is done. We won’t be together anymore.” _We won’t ever be together, I’m sorry. We can’t. Maybe in another life._

“Well I think of you as a friend. I wouldn’t even mind saying you’re something more than that. You’re the one always talking about fate. Do you not believe we were destined to meet and keep meeting and come together like this? Maybe it was more conscious at times, but I don’t know that we could’ve avoided becoming closer.” Akira sits back up as he holds Goro’s hands, preventing him from hiding. Goro can’t help but look at him.

 _Fate isn’t kind._ He can’t fake a smile. _I wish we could stay like this but it’s impossible. Fate may have brought us together but it’s not finished._ Akira leans in closer, “Is it okay if I?” Goro nods, frozen in anticipation. Akira’s lips are on his again, but he’s even more gentle this time. _Not… enough._ Goro is needy, but Akira releases him to speak. “I care about you so much.” Another kiss. _More._ “I’m sorry I didn’t say something sooner.”

“I would have left like always… I wouldn’t be here still if I could leave,” Goro confesses, “but it’s not like I don’t want to be here. I just don’t know if I—” _You’re shutting me up again._ Akira wraps a leg around Goro as he kisses him deeper than before. _Is this what I want? How long have you intended this? I’m a step behind._ Goro’s chest swells as he squeezes Akira’s hands. _I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve you. I’ve been planning to hurt you and you do this to me. You’re so cruel, Akira._ Tears start flowing again as their lips part.

Akira moves to kiss Goro on the left cheek before laying his head on the pillow next to him. His reaches his arms around to embrace him the best he can on the bed. “I want to stay like this.” _Like this? This position? Or our relationship? What even is this?_ “I want to stay friends and I want to be next to you.” _Why?_

Goro turns to his left side, now facing Akira. He looks him in the eyes for a couple seconds before averting his gaze downward. “I don’t know if that’s possible.” _It’s true. I’m sorry. It’s not possible at all. I’m so sorry. Why did you do this? I think you know, too._ Akira pulls him in closer and Goro’s tears dampen his shirt. _Why does being with you hurt so much yet I can’t pull myself away? I want to run. I want to go home and purge my body, these feelings. Why? Why? Why do you care about me? You shouldn’t care about me. You should hate me like I hate you._ Goro starts crying in earnest and Akira hugs him tighter. _You’re in my way and I hate you and I have to kill you. I have to do this. I have to hate you because you are my foil. That’s how this works. We can’t be this close, we can’t care about each other. I don’t want you to die but I have to kill you. I’ll join you eventually, though. It’s… fate._

“Then… at least just for now.” Akira kisses the top of Goro’s head. “I know you’re anxious being vulnerable like this—I can feel your heart pounding so quickly—but sometimes you have to let it out even if you can’t let me in.” He takes a deep breath before continuing. “I’ve never told anyone this but sometimes I have weird dreams and I wake up in the middle of the night. I don’t know what to do all the time. There’s this impending sense of doom… like inescapable fate looming over me. It scares me. For a long time I didn’t know how to deal with it so I would just cry as quietly as I could without waking Morgana.” _Aren’t you scared to sleep, then? Those dreams don’t haunt you?_ “Lately, though, I’ve felt less anxious. I still have the same dreams but I think I’ve been coming to terms with it. I have accepted that there is a fate for me but I think… I think I can fight it. I thought for so long that I had no choice, but why else would I have a Persona? To fight injustice for others? Sure, it’s an admirable goal we have as Phantom Thieves, but these dreams started happening after I awoke to my power. I think I understand it better now. It’s hard to describe because I haven’t said it out loud before, but I know deep within me that I can fight my own fate. It’s for everyone… but it’s also for myself.” Goro stops crying and looks up at Akira.

“But it’s fate. That’s what the word means. It’s not something you can change. It’s just how the world is. What will be.” _You’re a fool. I wish I could fight fate too but it’s useless. Even us having Personas is part of fate. The plan has already been made by someone else. I hate it—knowing that ultimately I have no control over what I_ have _to do—but it’s fate._

“Maybe. But I’m going to do it nonetheless.” Akira strokes Goro’s hair. “My fate isn’t good, I know that.” Goro’s stomach clenches. _It’s me. It’s_ our _fate and we can’t stop it. It’s bad but it has to happen. You, me, the Thieves, that man, his people, the whole world…  There’s only one path we can all go down even as we clash._

“It’s futile, but I know that won’t stop you from wasting your effort. I’m sorry to tell you this. If we could fight against fate and the will of the universe, do you think people would just let things happen?” _Do you think I would be here if I could? I would have done it long ago if there were really any other way. You’re stupidly optimistic._ “We might be able to change individual hearts but we can’t change the universe.”

Akira shifts down so his face is level with Goro’s and pecks him on the mouth. “I’m going to steal that heart of yours. I’m going to make you see that I can change fate. You believe too much in what’s been predetermined by the cards, but this is what I do.” Goro’s breath hitches. _Take my heart? You don’t even know the extent of my heart. I only asked you to do that in an extreme moment of weakness in an anonymous post. Regardless, I know I’m beyond saving. It’s too late. A change of heart wouldn’t do anything for me. Forcing me to confess what I’ve done wouldn’t make me any less deserving of your hatred—everyone’s hatred. Don’t look at me like that. Please, don’t look at me like you know who I am. I’m disgusting and worthless. The only reason I’m still here is to destroy that man._

The heavy silence in the room is broken by the pitter-patter of rain hitting the window as a sudden downpour starts outside, bringing Goro’s attention back to the room. _Fuck, what time is it? I need to go home. I’ve been here too long and still haven’t left. Why haven’t I left yet? Do I just lack resolve in this? Why can’t I get away from you?_ He pushes himself away from Akira and stares into his eyes as he forces a smile, “Hah, very funny. You already have me here, too weak to get up and go home. I forgot my umbrella again… the least you could do is call me a taxi. I have to rest up for tomorrow, you know.” Goro sits up, but his head is too light to do anything more than lean against the wall.

“You _do_ need to rest more, but I really don’t think you can make it home. We have spare umbrellas down in the café but I don’t know that I trust you to take care of yourself alone. You might have convinced me a few months ago but after seeing you just now…” _You’ve seen too much of me if you’re saying that._ Akira sits up and moves to the window. He kneels next to Goro and rests his arms on the windowsill as he stares out at the rainy night. Akira pauses for a couple seconds before continuing, “Please stay here. I won’t do anything you don’t want, but I really am concerned about you. I’m going to keep telling you until you accept it.”

Goro is tempted to turn around and look at Akira, but he keeps his eyes fixed on the attic. _You already shouldn’t have done what you did. This isn’t something that can happen. If only we had met years ago…_ He feels his heart beat increase again. _No. Our paths are too different no matter how connected by fate we are. It couldn’t have worked that way. Not with how the cards have been dealt. It’s stupid to even wish we could’ve been friends, but maybe if we had... though it’s not like we would have had any reason to meet if it weren’t for these powers. It had to happen like this. I guess tonight is the same. Even if it’s probably wrong for me to be here, it’s fate, isn’t it._ “You’re not giving me a choice, then. I’ll rest here tonight, but I need to leave first thing in the morning, it’ll be too suspicious if I’m still here when Sojiro comes in. I’ll come back later for the meeting, though.” Goro gives in and turns to the right, expecting Akira to still be gazing out the window, but he’s caught off guard by eyes meeting his.

Akira smiles, “Really? I expected you to fight me more since you’ve been trying to run this whole time.”

“Then…” Goro hesitates, “Then you’ll let me leave?”

“I won’t stop you,” Akira slides down to sit next to Goro. “But I also don’t want to force you to do anything you don’t want to. You have free will, you know. I guess you don’t have much energy to move, but you can always make your own choices.”

 _Easy for you to say. You’re so free, so sure you have the power to rebel against fate. Meanwhile I’m more realistic._ “I can’t say I agree with you about being so free, but you are right that I don’t have energy. I was unconscious, but I don’t think I’m rested.”

“No, of course not. You collapsed.” Akira gets up from the bed. For a second, Goro misses the warmth next to him. “Let me send Futaba a text so that Morgana doesn’t come back—though I doubt he’d enjoy the rain anyway—and I can grab you something from downstairs. You can stay in the bed unless you need to go to the toilet or something. It’s warmer under the blanket.” He stops at the top of the staircase. “Are you okay with just some toast and tea? It’ll take a while to make anything else, though there are ingredients to make soup. If we have rice made I can make porridge. I’m not sure if we do since I didn’t get to make any today, but maybe yesterday’s is still there. I know it’s food for a cold but I don’t know what else to make for you. It’ll be gentle at least.”

“I don’t know if I can stomach anything or not, but alright. It hurts still.” _It hasn’t stopped hurting this whole time, but my chest hurts more. I wonder what you’d say if I told you that. Probably more unnecessary concern for me._

“Yeah, that’s probably because it’s completely empty, mister detective. Just wait there, I’ll be back.” Akira smiles as he leaves the room and Goro finds himself alone in the attic, lying back down on the pillow. He turns to look out the window. _What were you looking at earlier? You can’t even see anything because of the rain. Even if tonight were dry, the stars are hard to see in the city. Is that why you have fake ones on the ceiling?_ Goro tilts his head towards the room, drawn to the visible star stickers in the rafters. _Did your friends give you these like all the other things in your room? You have fond memories with all of them but the only thing I’m leaving here are tears. If we had been friends what kind of things would we have done? What gifts would I give you? Oh god, this is stupid. Hah, I’m just entertaining myself now with things that could never be. You’ve let me into your circle, your life… and now your room. I don’t belong in any of these places. I’ll eat some food and slip out when I can._

Goro struggles to keep his eyelids open any longer, but the sound of the kettle going off downstairs catches him before he drifts off. _I don’t have any right yet here I am…_ The whistling stops and once again the loudest sound is the thumping of raindrops. His eyes close again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, I know it's angsty but they had their first kiss and it was wet and there are a lot of emotions happening. Akira doesn't know how else to show Goro how much he cares aside from everything he's doing because Goro is stubborn and, well, he's super depressed and in his head. What's self-esteem???
> 
> I just really need Goro to cry to Akira, I'm sorry.


	4. Two Slow Dancers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two boys. Talking. Healing. 
> 
> Lex ([@cosmickatsu](https://twitter.com/cosmickatsu/status/1067181052844683264?s=21)) drew the beautiful piece in this chapter!  
> Click the link for a pic you can retweet!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone please feed Goro. Oh, Akira, you volunteer? How sweet of you. 
> 
> If only you had met sooner...

Something warm shakes Goro’s shoulder as he jolts awake. _I fell asleep again?_ There’s also a lingering feeling on his cheek. _A kiss? Why?_

“Sorry… I didn’t want to wake you but you really need to eat,” Akira says as he removes his hand from Goro’s shoulder. “It’s good for you to sleep but I think it’s mostly because you have literally nothing inside you. It’s only been about ten minutes, by the way. I made toast and tea and there’s porridge cooking downstairs. I just need you to sit up slowly and nibble at this bread. You can let the tea cool down more if you want, too, but at least have some plain water.” He sets a plate and mug down on the windowsill and hands Goro a bottle of water.

“Thanks,” Goro replies as he moves to sit up in bed, pulling his knees to his chest. “You didn’t have to do… any of this.” _I could’ve gone home and eaten without inconveniencing you. You don’t have to keep these displays up for me, I’m not worth your effort._ “I’ll do my best to eat.” He sips some water and hesitantly puts the toast to his lips before setting it back down on the plate.

“Just eat it. I know you think you’ll throw up anything you eat but it’s only because your stomach is so empty that everything hurts. You have to eat it, and I promise it’ll be fine. It’s the only way to feel better. At least drink as much water as you can and finish that piece of toast, your stomach won’t feel so bad once there’s something in it. I’m not gonna force feed you, but I really want you to do this for yourself, or at least for me.” Akira glances back at the stairs. “I’m gonna go turn off the stove but I’ll be right back. I want to see you’ve eaten at least a couple bites, okay?”

“Okay.” Goro stares at the back of Akira’s head as he walks away before picking up the piece of toast again. He forces himself to take a bite. _It’s just bread. It’ll make me feel better. I just have to swallow it. I’ve gotta finish it all._ The toast is nearly tasteless as he swallows and washes it down with water. He’s taking another bite when Akira pops back up carrying another mug.

“I’m glad you’re eating it!” Akira perks up as he situates himself cross-legged on the bed next to Goro. “I wasn’t sure if I’d convinced you or not, honestly, but I can tell you from experience you really just _have_ to eat something when you’re feeling bad. It’s worse having nothing—that’s what makes you feel like you can’t eat at all, but it’s a false feeling. The pain isn’t from anything upsetting your stomach, it’s from the emptiness.” Goro continues to take small bites, washing them all down with water. _Maybe you’re right, but that doesn’t change the fact that having an empty stomach makes the thought of food repulsive._ “When you get your appetite back the porridge is done, but no rush.”

Goro coughs on the last bit of toast. “Maybe later.” _It wasn’t that bad… but why do you have experience with this? I guess it’s probably from getting actually sick with the flu or something._ He picks up the mug of tea and cups it in his hands, inhaling the steam. “I’ll try drinking this. It’s ginger, right? For upset stomach, of course.” The tea is still too hot as it passes his lips but he drinks it anyway, staring at the yellow root pieces floating in it.

“Yeah, it’ll warm you and help settle that feeling. I know this and porridge are mostly for colds but I think it’s just comforting and helpful when you’re not feeling well in general.” Akira sips his own tea. “I’m feeling okay just so you know, but I wanted to have some as well cause it tastes good. And I hope you don’t mind I added a bit of yuzu juice. There’s also more honey downstairs if you need it. I didn’t know how sweet you’d like it.”

“It’s good. Just a bit too hot but I like this.” _When’s the last time someone made me ginger tea? I just buy medicine from the drug store when I’m sick… and I’ve been forcing myself through the nausea. I could just make it go away like this? It’s actually going away._ “Thank you, again. I’m sorry to have troubled you.”

“It’s nothing, really. I’d do this for any of my friends.” _Friends…?_ “And yes, that includes you. I know you’re probably thinking that we aren’t friends but we are. You’ve gotta just accept it. You’re my friend and I really hope you know I’m yours.” Akira snickers as he moves closer to Goro. “Plus, we’ve already kissed so the very least we could be is friends.”

“Do you… ki-kiss all of your friends?” Goro inches away as he turns to face Akira, but keeps his mouth covered by the mug, all of a sudden extremely conscious of his expression. Akira’s face and hair are illuminated by the moonlight. _Why did you even kiss me?_

Akira sets his drink on the windowsill. “Hah, good one. Of course I don’t. I just meant that it isn’t something I’d want to do with someone I didn’t really care about.” _Really care about?_ “God, this sounds like a confession. Sorry. I don’t exactly know what I’m trying to say, alright, but I want you to know that you aren’t just ‘someone I’m working with’ to me. I really hope you can consider me your friend, your confidant, someone you can be around comfortably.” He takes Goro’s mug from his hands and puts it down before holding Goro’s hands in his own. “Maybe it is a confession, but I don’t want to scare you. I was too forward earlier but I just really, really like you. I really care about you. I want to know you more even though I know it’ll probably be a long time before that happens. I still want to try, though. I kissed you because I want these things. I want to be close to you. You don’t need to return my feelings but I have feelings for you.”

Goro feels his whole body flush and turns his head towards the window, staring at the rain. _You’re saying… way too much._ He can barely think over the raindrops and his heartbeat. _Why are you telling me all of this? I can’t hear these things. I’m not someone to care about. You can’t like me and you certainly wouldn’t if you knew me. We can’t be together. We can’t. There is just literally no way. We will work together for one more week and then it’s over. I made a mistake staying here, kissing you back, letting you this close to me. Your hands are too warm, too hot._ He pulls his hands away and discards the blanket over his legs, undoing the top button of his shirt as he starts to sweat. “I’m sorry, I think the tea is too hot.”

Akira’s voice is soft but unsteady. “Don’t apologize… It’s my fault.” Goro’s eyes shift back over to Akira and he sees that he is blushing as well, though it’s hard to make out by only moonlight. Akira takes a drink as he twiddles his hair. “I’ve crossed too many lines tonight. This is too much for you, I’m so sorry. I’m being selfish saying all the things I’ve wanted to say for so long. You don’t want to hear any of this.” _No, I don’t. All you’re doing is trying to confuse me. I don’t want to feel this, please, let me go._ “I really wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to leave even more now, you know. But I still don’t want you to. I’ll let you decide what you want to do… right now, tonight, in the future. I don’t want to make you do anything you don’t want to anymore, and I don’t want to make you cry anymore but if you need to you can. I’m going to stay with you if it’s okay.” _Do you have anywhere else to go? I’m in_ your _bed..._

Goro takes a deep breath in an effort to steady his heartbeat. _I still don’t have the energy to leave right now but maybe I don’t have to stay here all night..._ “It’s fine, but maybe I need to cool down right now. I can probably eat more but it’s just too warm right now.” _More food will be more strength and I can call a taxi home once he’s asleep._

“Alright, why don’t I get you a change of clothes and you can sit here closer to the window where it’s cooler?” Akira pats the bed where he was sitting as he gets up. Goro scoots over to the window. _It’s still warm where you were sitting, though._ He puts a hand on the window and feels the cold of November on the glass as he looks out at the rooftops. “I’m gonna go downstairs and get the porridge while you change, alright?”

“Okay,” Goro replies, still staring out the window. Akira is gone by the time Goro turns around to see a light finally on in the attic, empty aside from himself. _Your track shorts and a t-shirt? I guess that’s better than what I have on now._ He gets up and changes into the shorts, but he’s only just unbuttoned his shirt when he hears footsteps behind him.

“Oh!” Akira stops before the landing, two bowls of porridge in hand. “Sorry, I thought you’d be finished changing by now.” _And I thought you’d be longer downstairs._ “Also I don’t mean to stare, but you’re a lot more fit than I expected given how skinny you are.” _Well, I’ve been going into the Metaverse for two years now and I have to keep my body fit in general._

Goro finally turns around to see Akira walking towards him, blushing. “I just have to stay in shape to maintain my image. Looking good is important.” He hurriedly puts on the t-shirt and walks to the couch to sit down. Akira sits next to him and hands him a bowl and spoon. _Why would you sit next to me when there is so much space up here?_ “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. I hope it’s good, I haven’t made it in a while.” Goro watches Akira hesitantly taste his cooking before trying it himself. “Ah, it’s still too hot but I think I did a better job that I expected. It’s an easy recipe, but it can be hard to get a good consistency. It might be better with something added but I wasn’t sure what you could handle so I left it plain.” _You’re too considerate. What makes you like this, caring so much for the people around you even when you admit you have your own problems? Isn’t it enough dealing with those? Why care about others all the time when you should be worried about your own fate?_

“Alright, I’ll have some now.” Goro finally takes a bite of porridge and finds it easy to down despite the temperature. _It’s pretty flavorless like you said it’d be._ “It doesn’t taste like anything but that’s fine. I probably couldn’t eat anything too strong.” The two eat in silence for a few minutes before Goro finds himself getting too hot again and shifts away from Akira on the couch. _What makes you so comfortable being so close to me? Nobody wants to get this close to me. Everybody just likes my TV personality that I’ve_ made _for them to like, but now you’ve seen me cry. You’ve seen too much yet you’re still here. Why?_ “Why do you care about me, especially after this?” Goro realizes too late that he said the last bit out loud.

Akira swallows his food before smiling at Goro. “Why do I care about you?” _Shit. I know you already said you like me but now I am curious why._ “I dunno… I find myself drawn to you. I know you’re a lot like me, maybe more than you’d admit to.”

“You have so many things I don’t,” Goro frowns, “like friends and ideals. I just have myself and my own justice.” _I can’t trust anybody else._

“Maybe…” Akira sets his bowl down and gets closer to Goro, who feels his heartbeat quicken again. “But I think that’s just how you see it. Like I’ve said so many times, I am your friend. That’s at least one person. And I think your own idea of justice is a good one. It’s strong enough that you have a Persona like the rest of us. This power that we all share stems from having strong desires and wanting to fight injustice in our own lives.” _Of course. We’re all very aware of this. You all have awoken to your Personas after me, taking down the terrible people standing in your way—oh, but what about you, Akira?_

Goro’s eyes light up and he remembers a mystery he had set on the backburner long before. “Your Persona. You have multiple ones, yes, but your initial one. Did it really awaken because of Kamoshida? You had barely started school here before that, I can’t imagine just entering his Palace was enough to trigger your awakening. You have more power than the rest of us,” _Well, than everyone else._ “You’re special. I had wanted to ask you for a long time and must have forgotten, but I don’t believe Kamoshida was the first person to wrong you since you had barely known him. You transferred here with a record of assault—of course I know that, I work for the police—but the details have been hidden. What happened to you?”

Akira puts a hand to his head, seemingly wincing in pain. “I don’t exactly remember the details, but I’m glad you finally asked me.” He stares into Goro’s eyes, his voice taking on a more serious tone than the rest of the night. “I did awaken to Arsène inside Kamoshida’s Palace, but I had heard his voice before then. I met him my very first day here in Tokyo. And you’re right, I have an assault record, but that isn’t what happened. I stopped a man from harassing a woman but he fell to the ground. When the police showed up he told them I assaulted him and to ‘deal with it’ and the lady agreed with his lie. I don’t remember who he was, but the way it went down in the official records is nothing like what went down.”

Goro’s breath hitches. _This… this is that case_ he _was involved in. I remember this. A high schooler found him drunk with one of his women and pushed him to the ground. He had his name completely removed from the case but the student was convicted of assault. It was necessary to deal with so that nothing would be tied back to him but… it’s Shido. He’s the reason you had to leave your hometown. I… I can’t tell you it’s him, though. The falsified assault that piece of shit perpetrated was against you of all people. This really is some sick and twisted fate. He’s fucked over you as well. We’re all just stepping stones on his rise to power._

“Are you okay?” Akira puts his hand on Goro’s and Goro realizes he’s been shaking. He can barely focus on the boy in front of him as his heart is pounding through his chest. _No, I’m not okay. You know that yet you still ask._

“I’m fine,” Goro puts no effort into his lie as he tries to bring his heart rate down. _I can’t tell you the truth, you would know that I’m connected to him. You’re not a fool. I know you’d figure it out. I guess it’s just another secret I have to keep from you even though you deserve to know._ “That’s just really… hard to hear. How horrible. Shitty adults don’t deserve to be forgiven. I hope you can get revenge yourself one day, if you ever find out who that man was.” _It’s a shame you won’t, though, but I will deal with him._

“It doesn’t matter since I don’t know who it was.” Akira sighs, gripping Goro’s hand tighter. “But I do know that I want to stop all the people who have hurt not only those around me but other victims I don’t know.” Goro tries to pull his hand away but is unable as Akira’s fingers entwine his. “I know you’re not gonna tell me about whoever’s wronged you but I wish I could help you. Stupid revenge or not, we change hearts because it’s the right thing to do. It’s _our_ justice whether or not society agrees. I want to help you like I’ve helped my other friends. Maybe even more. I know you’re hurting so much and you think you can’t tell us.” _I really can’t. I can’t tell you anything. This is my curse to bear, my fucked up life. The things I’ve done are just beyond any of this. You wouldn’t even be able to force a change of heart on me._ “I don’t know anything, but I want to help you more than anyone… and I know you’re not going to let me. It hurts me a lot but I suppose it wouldn’t make sense for you to suddenly open up to me, hah.” Akira finally releases Goro’s hands and gets up to take the dishes downstairs. “Sorry, I just keep saying dumb things. I keep trying to push you into things you don’t want, things that aren’t going to happen like this.”

Goro stands up. _Yeah, what do I even say to that? You know exactly. I’m sorry but I can’t be a friend to you like you want. I can’t be close to you. You can’t help me at all. Please stop trying to get me to tell you the truth._ “Let’s just forget it, okay? I’m tired.” _I don’t want to talk about this anymore._ “I think I’m just going to sleep here on the couch so you can have your bed.”

Akira stops on the second stair down. “No. Sorry. Yeah. Let’s stop talking about this. But please use the bed. There’s room for both of us but if you don’t want to share I’ll be the one to sleep on the couch. You’re my guest, after all. I made you stay here even though you wanted to leave.”

“I’ll sleep on the bed then, but I don’t think I want to... “ _Sleep next to you?_ “I just mean I wouldn’t want to force you to share such a small mattress with me. I prefer sleeping alone, anyway.”

“Alright then. You can go ahead to sleep if you want, I’ve got an extra blanket and some clothes to use as a pillow so don’t worry about me. I’ll be back up soon.”

 _How can you be so comfortable inviting someone into your bed like this?_ Goro lies down on the mattress, finding his body heavy and full. _Why does being so close not make you want to leave? Why can you do this so easily when I can’t? Is it because you have all these friends? I can never be like you, yet here you are trying to invite me in where I don’t belong. I don’t belong here at all. I’m an intruder. A traitor. I’m only close so that I can accomplish my task. Tonight was a mistake, though. I’ll have to leave once you’re asleep, I should have brought enough for the cab fare home. I can ask for more money later for transportation…  it’s necessary. I’ve eaten so if I just pretend to sleep I can just wait and go home. Please just go to sleep early._

Goro lies on his right side facing the wall and covers himself with the blanket, slowing his breathing to mimic being asleep like all those times he had faked it as a child. He hears Akira come back up the stairs and stop in the middle of the room before rummaging around somewhere—probably in that cardboard box—for something. Akira goes to the couch and lies down for probably five minutes before Goro hears his footsteps once again, this time walking towards the bed. Goro feels the bed sink behind him with Akira’s weight.

“I know you’re not asleep.” Akira’s voice is low and calm as he pulls part of the blanket over himself. “You didn’t pass out again so there isn’t any way you’d fall asleep so quickly.” _Sure, but why are you here in the bed when you said you were going to sleep on the couch?_ “I couldn’t find another blanket so we have to share this one. And just so you know, I’m used to being alone in bed too. Mona sleeps with me but I only got used to having a cat around since I came here. So… it’s weird sharing my bed with you, but I don’t dislike it.” He chuckles, “It’s kinda like a sleepover, right? Not that I had any as a kid.” _You, of all people, didn’t sleep at your friends’ houses as a child? Of course I’ve never had a sleepover but I didn’t have anyone. Everyone I ever shared a room or bed with was a stranger after my mother died._ “Ah, you’re just gonna keep _sleeping_ then. That’s fine. I actually really need to rest, too. I didn’t have a nap earlier like you did and we’ve already stayed up later than Morgana ever lets me. You should really try to actually sleep for the night too, though.”

The silence hangs heavy for a minute before Goro feels Akira turn towards his back and then a hand on his shoulder and something soft pressing against his head through the blanket. He stiffens. “Ah, shit, sorry. I kissed you again without asking. I just really can’t help myself. I want to give you so much, but let’s just sleep now. We can always talk later… or not. You probably don’t want to.” Akira turns back the other direction and Goro releases his breath. “Goodnight, sleep well.” _Goodnight… to you. I’ll just lie here. How can I sleep? How can you sleep like this? You keep saying things that just make me less able to relax, you keep touching me and I don’t… like it…  I—I hate it. You’re too warm, too close. Why are you doing this? Why the hell do you want to be near me…_

Goro closes his eyes and tries in vain to clear his mind. _I just need to wait until you’re asleep. I can do this. I can get out of any situation. I can go through with everything and just because I… was weak… and enjoyed something physical. It doesn’t mean anything. It can’t mean anything, nothing will happen here. We’re just teenagers. It was the heat of the moment. You just… like? me because you’ve been seeing me a lot. I’ve been getting closer to you on purpose, I guess you would have to care about me because I’m working with you. You just want me to perform well, that’s only natural. Kissing? Yeah, we’re teenagers. Bodies just want to do things, that’s all. If it wasn’t me it’d probably be someone else. I’m sure you’ve kissed them._ His chest feels tight. _Yeah, maybe you’re just one of those kinds of people. That’s why you can lie next to me so easily. Easy. Experience. You can do all of these things because people like you. Even I was drawn to you by fate. It doesn’t matter. Lots of people are drawn to my looks, I’m sure any of those fangirls would do anything if I asked, yet here I am. None of that matters. Nothing. You’ve got looks too, and everyone loves your personality. Of course you can have anyone you want. I’m just here. It felt good because I’m young despite it all. It would be normal to care about stuff like this, but I thought I had more control over my body. Stupid. I can’t do this. I’ll nap again and then leave in a couple hours, I’ll just have to call a taxi._ He feels uneasy as he shuts his eyes and concentrates on breathing to force himself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to have Akira talk more, it's a damn disservice he never gets to talk to anybody. I mean, neither does Goro, but they both really need this so.... yeah.
> 
> Thanks for reading <3
> 
> Goro pls take care of urself :(

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so so soooo much for reading all of this.  
> Please let me know what you think but, ah, be gentle.  
> It's easiest to reach me on Twitter so hmu there?  
> But seriously, thank you so much for reading my first fic that I've been mulling over and writing on and off for months between being extremely depressed myself and pouring my soul (and wallet) into the one thing that brings me joy in life: P5/Shuake.


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